the wagon…

hey, where's the wagon?Well, it happened. I fell off the wagon. Rather I jumped, headfirst into a pitcher of margaritas and a healthy slice 2 slices of turtle pie, and today my body feels every bad decision I made regarding food last night. I’m bloated, achey, cranky and sluggish. Not to mention the scale, I clearly hate myself because I actually stepped on the scale. It was not pretty, friends.

First of all, this blows Whole30, which means I either start again. OR, I submit to the reality that  I need a cheat meal once a week….it doesn’t need to be quite as spectacular as yesterday, but I am absolutely the worst at adhering to super strict doctrines (especially when it comes to food!) We could talk for hours about the years I spent trying to keep kosher and my secret bacon addiction. The day I quit being kosher I ate a plateful of bacon wrapped cheese stuffed shrimp… that is however, a different blog post entirely.

The bottom line. I like good food and I cannot lie. I also want above all things to reach my absolute physical potential, in other words, I want to look awesome. Here is where things always get tricky for me. Perhaps if I couldn’t cook, or was more inclined to eat the same thing every day like some bodybuilders I know, I wouldn’t have such a hard time saying no to food.

Yes I am an emotional eater; I am ALWAYS happy when I get to eat!! I get excited when I cook something delicious or when I get to celebrate with friends over margaritas and paleo nachos! It’s not even really about the food…it’s about the coming together, the celebration. I love how food makes people feel special, and I love making people feel special. I am tired of feeling like a failure when I eat, that too is emotional. I am on a mission to find some balance.

Recently my friend over at Fit Butt Fabulous (she’s super cute!) has had a similar revelation about food and I shared with her my philosophy….I think food is a blessing. I believe God wants us to enjoy blessings. I believe it’s up to me to be responsible about my choices when it comes to food, but I am tired of subscribing to diet dogma.

I feel a bit like a dog chasing my tail. I have been trying to find the perfect diet for 3 years. I lose some weight, I get in better shape and then I start eating “normally” again and I regain weight. Then I get frustrated because I still haven’t reached my goal, and I start the process all over again. With that, I feel so GUILTY if I eat something that’s not Rx’d to the diet I am adhering too. This cannot be right. I have to find what works best for me 100% of the time.

This is what I have learned….

I like the tenants of the paleo lifestyle. I like them a lot.

I also really like pie on occasion.

Sometimes, a slice of pizza is the most perfect thing I can eat.

Someday’s I only want to eat clementines.

Every third week of the month I need a glass of whole milk every day.

I’m good most of the time without pasta, bread, rice and cereal.

My body functions really well if I feed it meat, veggies and fruit. I have few cravings, my blood sugar stays really level and my skin looks awesome. Also, unless I am over eating, I lose weight. But sometimes, I just really want black bean soup.

Finally, Doctor Who is the best show ever made. Oh wait, that’s not food related….

My point is, no diet doctrine is every going to fully work for me. I like all food and that is emotional. Now I will adhere to one important principle: food must be fresh! I do believe if the tv is telling me to eat something, it’s probably bad for me. I steer clear of pre-packaged foods as much as possible and when I do choose them, I try to choose wisely.

So what am I saying exactly? That I need to be a responsible person. I have goals, some of which have been alluding me. I am willing to make sacrifices, but I am NOT willing to be a freak about my diet. I am willing to say “No thank you!” I am willing to work diligently towards my fitness and lifestyle goals. There has to be room to sometimes eat just for the sake of eating, for the sake of enjoying the company of friends, and one too many margaritas. Food isn’t my enemy.

Believing that it is, or that I have done something shameful by eating something “wrong” – that’s just not going to work for my mind anymore. I love clean, healthy food. I love working hard at the box. I love the freedom in accepting that life isn’t all about adhering to a fascist food regime. Food is fuel, but it’s also nourishment, joy, comfort, recovery, health and above all a blessing, and is to be treated as such.

As I move forward into my goals this year, it’s important that I treat every blessing in my life with the utmost love, respect and thankfulness. Expect more recipes from me. Expect more honesty, but above all, expect stellar changes as I work toward my dreams, and on occasion….expect me to fling myself off the wagon, face first into some cheesecake!

Every day I grow closer to God, and every day I move closer to accomplishing not just my dream of being fit and healthy, but my dream of being a writer and a chef. For me, these three dreams are inextinguishable and I am ready to fan the flames and allow my life and my fitness to explode!

I got a bit off topic, but I am excited. For the first time in my entire life I don’t feel intimidated by my weight loss. My mind has really changed, mostly it’s because I don’t use food to nourish some inner craving. My heart is full of Jesus and that my friends, that changed everything!

In conclusion, I am not saying farewell to paleo principles. I am just saying, farewell GUILT! I am not going to hate myself for having drinks and fun with my friends, I just know that I have to make better choices today and clean up my act a bit! I also know that I am working toward something incredible, and I am so looking forward to getting there. For that I am willing to eat smaller meals, and most of the time pass on treats. What I am trying to get at, is that I will not now or ever push a specific doctrine. There is a world of amazing healthy food out there, but someday’s I need a glass of wine and a chocolate truffle. Just not every day, and that needs to be part of my goal….enjoy all moments, not just the ones I where I am eating “clean.”

Much love and blessings!



PS:  I was also really inspired this week by this chick’s blog: GoKaleo – She really got me thinking about this whole post.  The blogoshpere is full of intelligent and inspiring people!! I love it!