“A double-minded man is unstable in all his ways.” James 1:8
Have you ever tried to lead a double-life? Tried to be in a relationship while cheating, lying, or pretending to be someone you aren’t? Have you ever maintained that relationship out of guilt, insecurity, fear or worry of the unknown? It never works out, does it? This wisdom from the Lord has been heavy in my heart this week, because again I am living a double-minded life.
I really REALLY want to be fit and muscular…in fact outside of wanting someday to get married and have a family, it is one of my only real wants in life…but somehow it’s always just out of reach. So this week as I’ve been thinking about my goals when it comes to fitness, I’ve had to ask myself some really frustrating questions.
Do I like my fat life? Sort of, well I make excuses for it, I accept it for what it is: comfortable, unchallenged and it never ever criticizes me for spending the day in my sweatpants. My fat life and I have been together for 24 years, that it’s hard to visualize life any other way (even though I’ve been messing around with fitness for years!). The truth is, I want to break up with my fat life. I want a divorce.
Why do I struggle to stay committed? In all fairness, I WAS very committed to my transformation in 2012, in April I started really dieting and in June I started Crossfit. I had never felt better, until I got injured. The four months I have been on hiatus, those were not months spent trying to sabotage my progress, but in spite of my best intentions…I still made poor food choices during this time, and now I have to re-lose 18 pounds (for the umpteenth time since I started this whole new life in 2009). I am deflecting though, this is a question I need to answer. So here are my thoughts.
I struggle because change is hard. Weight loss is hard, but my conclusion is that staying stuck in this place of not really being fat and not really being fit, that’s much, much harder.
I struggle because psychologically there is a giant mess in my head. Despite my optimism, I am not always the most confident person in the world. I am working through my fear of failure and using fitness as a foundation to rebuild my courage and internal strength.
I struggle to stay committed because sometimes I just get so mad that I can’t eat whatever I want and look the way I want. It’s these kinds of double-minded battles I am working to end. I am tired of caving to my fat wants then allowing myself to feel so terribly guilty and disappointed. Here is where my faith really gives me strength, I know that if I keep my eyes on God, then I will always feel accomplished.
Am I willing to make sacrifices in the moment, to achieve my long term goals? I know the answer here is yes. It should be yes. Of course I am willing to make sacrifices, but there are times, more frequently than I care to admit that I find my fat self making all kinds of decisions that I don’t really want to make, because I know they are driving me far from my goals. I make them anyway, then it becomes a cycle of self loathing. Again, double-mindedness, self-sabotage…choices.
Why do I have such a hard time following through? Oh how I hate asking myself this question. You know in a job interview when they ask you your weakness? Well, mine would be follow through. I have great ideas, I can outline plans and have great enthusiasm, but sometimes, I just can’t seem to get it done. I am working on this. I know it’s a discipline and one I desire, because I think the basic answer to why do I have a hard time following through is that I am lazy. And that sucks to hear, because I’d like to just say it’s because I’m right brained.
What are you so afraid of? I am scared of failing, but I am ready to keep trying. I don’t want to be fat anymore, but more than not wanting to be fat, I don’t want to limit my fitness potential. I know I am capable of so much more and I’m afraid I keep holding myself back. I stand in my own way, far too often.
Why do I want to be fit and muscular? Aesthetically I want to be as beautiful as possible, I mean a girl can’t live on personality alone! I’ve had a weird life. I was brutally bullied when I was a kid, so much so that a boy told me no one would ever love me because I was, and I quote, “a stupid fat duck.” I accidentally married a bully, who never criticized my weight, but was such a mean person otherwise, that I am not sure it would have mattered. Then I was re-born and God flooded my heart with such incredible light that the darkness of those wounds couldn’t exist anymore, and in that I started to crave a body that God designed, not this shell of a girl who was living a half life. This physical transformation is just another component of my spiritual transformation that has already occurred. It’s healing for me to lose my fat life.
Then what are you waiting for? I don’t know. I know this is my next right thing in life, and I know that I am doing it for the glory of my Savior. I guess I was waiting for this moment, where I wrote it all out and realized that all of the holding back was self imposed. I have been committing myself to non-commitment, and the moment for transformation is now.
As I look back over January, and ahead into 2013, I am so enthusiastic about all the things that are coming. I made a commitment to myself that this year is my year of fearless living, and I believe the reason I have stayed fat despite my strong desire to be a healthier weight, is because I fear breaking away from the comfort of this relationship. It is very easy to be the way you’ve always been, but to change everything, that requires commitment, faith and an attitude of fearlessness. I have been embracing that fearlessness with ease and a surprising sense of calm, and you know what’s happening? Things are changing. It really is incredible!
So here’s a timeline of my relationship with exercise…I met fitness in 2009, we’ve definitely had our ups and downs. Like any relationship we’ve spent years figuring each other out, taking it slow and now….well…fitness has proposed and I want to accept, I want to move forward with fitness into a healthy, beautiful, fit future and I am struggling to figure out how to break it to my fat life.
I am so in love with fitness, it’s sexy, smart, and it loves me, it gives more than it takes and it makes me happy, all the time. Fitness gives me confidence, it tells me my butt does look good in those jeans, and the best part is that fitness lets me wear sweatpants too, only when I put them out we workout! I want to say yes. I want to accept the proposal and never look back.
So friends, today, I am breaking up with my fat life and I am eloping with fitness. I will no longer be double minded, because fitness and I have BIG plans. Well actual, small plans, or plans to be smaller. You know what. Fitness and I have plans that involve smaller pants!
So here is how it’s going to work…..
I weighed in this week at 213 lbs.
I am going to break my transformation into phases throughout 2013. My overall goal is to reach my goal by May 16,2013 (My birthday!!). I’m not assigning a weight that I want to be, but at this point I am going to focus on shedding excess body fat and when I get to the muscle building phase, I’ll focus on body fat percentage!
Phase 1 (6 weeks): Reach goal weight of 195. Focus on high intensity Crossfit, low weights, high reps. 6 days a week + 2X a week hitting up the mobility class to practice form. My mindset is recondition, rebuild and reclaim the success I had prior to my back surgery with an emphasis on loving SPEED and intensity in my workouts.
My food commitment is to eat small meals throughout the day and to eliminate all packaged foods. The biggest goal I have here is to write down everything I eat so that I can evaluate my trouble areas and find my triggers (I’ll give you a hint that my trigger is alcohol!) Also I can check and adjust if my diet is not giving me results. I am not going to worry about a specific diet dogma, but will focus on a meat, veggie and fruit diet with limited grains and dairy. No food groups will be eliminated and there will be no “cheating” just responsible eating all the time. Little cheats always lead to big time diet infidelity…so I’ll just focus on living with an emphasis of less food, high quality food and a daily journal of what I actually consume.
I am so ready to have strength in a single focus. I am so ready to shed behavior that is holding me back from my goals. I am so thankful for the guidance of the word, it really has changed my life.
That’s it. Easy as….don’t think about pie, don’t think about pie, don’t think about pie….
No servant can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon. -Luke 16:13