the perfect 10
The last few days have been weirdly stressful, I have started feeling this pressure to be perfect. I find that on a small scale, I am a spokeswoman for weight loss and I don’t feel prepared. Because, God, I am not a perfect 10. I don’t eat perfectly, I don’t exercise perfectly, I certainly don’t punctuate perfectly and I cannot make any guarantees about how long this whole process is going to take. I mean I’ll never really be “done” with my transformation. There will always be new goals, other tasks, and new trails to sprint. Of course, that’s what I signed up for. I knew that I wasn’t after some quick fix, I knew that when I started this whole adventure that it was a commitment for life. I knew that there would be twists and turns and unexpected changes. I just wasn’t thinking that any one would really care, and now I have an audience who on some level is expecting change (because that’s what I am promoting!). Some days I think “Eureka!” I have so got this!! Woohoo! Then I step on the scale and am suddenly deflated. Then I take a big ole swig off my bottle of optimism *side note for the love – someone buy me a water bottle engraved with the word “optimism” – and I step forward into another day of trying to achieve some new level of the perfect version of me. I just never stop trying, it’s sort of obnoxious!
I have no idea what a perfect 10 version of myself will look like, but today, right now I am so happy just to be alive. I am so happy that I get to go to Crossfit and try to be better today. With humility, I think I am pretty good just the way I am. I also think that all of the stuff that has changed internally (you know salvation, forgiveness to the people who have hurt me, and having a heart full of love) those things have transformed my daily life, have given me hope and eternal purpose! BUT – I still want my body to be a reflection of all of those internal changes. I want my body to say “Hey! This chic is awesome and she takes care of herself. Also, she will not put up with your nonsense!” I mean I guess I could just get that tattooed somewhere, but that might be a little wordy for my lower back.
I don’t believe that my life will be magically better or different if I weigh less. I think I will feel sexier and more confident, but honestly, on a good day I actually do feel that way anyway. More importantly I feel full of light and spirit and energy – and that’s what fuels my laughing fits and keeps my perspective nice and healthy. I don’t want to wait for some moment where I feel that I have “arrived” – that I feel good enough to start taking some new risks because I am finally finished with my transformation. I want to take risk NOW, my life is happening NOW, whether I am fat/thin/defined or a wee bit flabby, days are passing and I am getting older. So the most critical part of my transformation really is, loving me, right now, in this body, just the way I am.
I hope that my whole life is a journey of trying to always be a better version of myself, based not on my own principles of what a perfect 10 is, but on Christ’s. I won’t find perfection or completion in trying to achieve a hotter form, and because I know this, it gives me a freedom to treat my body as a gift. In as such, I choose right now, to love my body for it’s flaws and strength, for it’s beauty and character and I promise to love every one else just as completely. We are made in HIS image, so in him, we are all Perfect 10’s.
Don’t get me wrong, this is not some declaration of giving up, quite the opposite. I commit to having a greater appreciation and respect for the journey, and I hope that you realize as you read my blog that my struggles to lose weight are very honest and real. Some people do it better than I do, but I always have to find my own way. Mostly I am stubborn, but I can’t really learn if I never do, try and fail. Someday this year I will reach my goal weight, but I can promise you one thing, I will not love myself any less today than I will on that day, because I am so much more than the flesh I walk in.