It’s been a weird, wonderful and surprising few months. When I declared this year, the year of (un)planned adventure, I didn’t know how right I was. So, how about a timeline update, for anyone still following….
March went quickly and was full of job interviews and high anxiety. So much anxiety in fact that everything else in my life took a back seat….fitness, faith, friendships…..I was lost in change, but I knew that a new job was on the horizon. I was offered a position with Lifetime fitness and they offered me an insane amount of money, but after a lot of prayer I turned down the position as I knew, based on what they told me, it would be an all consuming job, and dang it, I need balance. It felt foolish to say no, but it also felt right.
Within a few weeks I had an interview with a food brokerage company, and within another couple of weeks I had an offer. They liked me so much they decided to create a position for me. I was over the moon! My new job started April 15th, and as I phased out of Starbucks I started having all kinds of anxiety and trepidation. For the only constant in my life over the last seven years was my life at Starbucks, even though I knew with my whole heart it was time, I was sad to let go. Letting go of that life meant letting go of the final pieces of a life I lived not only with, but as a different person. Newlywed Kelly. Jewish Kelly. Sad Kelly. Broken Kelly. Lost Kelly. Saved Kelly. New Kelly. Change is hard, even positive change.
I started a new job, a new schedule and with so much joy I embarked on a new adventure. But there was a catch. I couldn’t for the life of me find strength for Crossfit. I was hating every wod, frustrated by my lack of strength and energy and trying so hard just to get myself to the box – I felt completely defeated. I knew that something would need to change, or I was going to quit working out, because it was making me so mad. My lack of daily exercise was turning me into the grumpiest person I knew, and I had to figure out a solution. I always worked out prior to my workday and it occurred to me that I could still do that, it just would need to be at 5:30 am.
It took me two weeks of debating to finally get myself to try it. I thought I would hate it. I thought it would make me miserable. But the truth is. I freaking loved every sweaty second. Why? I don’t think my brain has enough awareness to start telling me I can’t, so I just push through and find myself running faster, lifting heavier and having some of my best performances! I even PR’d on a front squat at 140 pounds for 3 reps. And so, after all these years I have become a 5 am exerciser. Mon-Friday of course!
Then, after a week of solid workouts and getting into an amazing groove…another unplanned adventure arose. A last minute, insane deal on a Disney cruise vacation with my sister, her hubby and the kids! Amazingly my bosses approved the time off (after only a month at my new job) and within days I was sailing in the Gulf of Mexico…adventure bound. What an amazing time I had. A day in the Bahamas, a day at Disney World, my birthday and even an epic kiss with a pirate. Sigh…it really was the best vacation of my life, and when it ended I found myself a little sad, and, well a little sick…ahem…kid germs! So for the last week I’ve been getting more into my new job, eating lighter, and fending off both a upper respiratory infection and a stomach bug…(which hit last Monday morning about halfway through my Crossfit warmup)
I wasn’t making any real effort to get back into my fitness and healthy lifestyle routine, I was in a bit of a funk all week, thinking about that stupid pirate kiss and realizing how empty I have allowed my life to become, no empty isn’t a fair word. I have a really beautiful life, but this birthday it hit me, that if I don’t start really trying, I may not have a family of my own, and I can’t imagine that life. Since I ended my marriage I have done a terrible job of trying too hard to meet or date anyone, but lately I have felt so good about myself, my body, my career move and the future, that it was easy to open up to a dark and handsome stranger, it was easy to talk and share…and it was easy to have it feel totally magical because we were after all on a cruise. Now, the pirate said he’d call, but of course he hasn’t, and although I am a little bummed about this, I am more motivated than ever to push myself to that level of joy in every day of my life. Which has brought me to this post. I want to renegotiate the terms of my blog.
For three + years I have been utterly focused on being thinner/fitter/not fat anymore and through ups and downs, tears and joy, today I find myself, strong and fat. I am certainly not the smallest, nor the biggest I have ever been, but this morning (Memorial Day….consequently my ex’s bday) I did Murph….1 mile run/100 pull-ups/200 push-ups/300 squats/1 mile run and I felt awesome. It hit me. I am fit. I may not be skinny, but dang it, I just ran a 10 minute mile! My head is in a really good place, I want to live a healthy lifestyle, but I am done chasing a number on a scale. I look in the mirror and I love this body. It is tough, and it’s taken me to so many amazing places. This body, this mind and this heart of Christ, man….my life is good, and I am tired of chasing vanity, because at the end of the day, whether I am 219 pounds or 119 pounds, it is my ability to enjoy life and live in that joy that will carry me to the end. Part of that for me IS eating a healthy diet and doing Crossfit, and pushing my limits….I don’t have to strive for that anymore. I want those things, but I don’t want to be consumed by them. So my commitment is to continue to pursue my best health, but to have it just be the way I live, not something extraordinary or crazy that I am doing to achieve a number. That being said, I still have fitness goals, and I will continue working toward them. I want to increase my lifts, I want to do unassisted pull-ups, I want to run a sub 8 minute mile. And in pursuit of health I want to reduce my body fat, but through healthy practice and lifestyle, not through extremes.
There is such a delicate balance between obsessing and setting and achieving goals in this area of my life, and I am tired of becoming obsessed (or neglectful) – the extremes are exhausting. I just want balance and the rest of 2013 I will be focused on finding that balance in every area of my life!
So, back to the terms. My intention when I started this blog was to write about Crossfit, transformation and weight loss, and although I still want to talk about those things, I’d really like to start pushing my writing into new territories. I’d like to write about life. I’d like to write more deeply about my faith. I’d like to write about dating at 35. I’d like to write about my hopes and dreams. I’d like to write about travel. Sometimes I’d like to write poetry or short stories, and to be perfectly honest, I’d like to muse about all of these things right here, because this blog feels like home. Writing by nature is a selfish pursuit, but without it, I feel like I never truly share what I am thinking or feeling. My best form of expression is written word. I’d like to say it’s song, and although that’s sometimes true, it’s mostly just silliness. 🙂
So, it’s likely I’ll rename the blog. It’s likely I’ll buy a new domain, because this journey I’m on, it is a transformation. It’s about me becoming the best version of me, and sharing that with you.
So, to the pirate….thank you. You woke something up in me that’s been asleep, and you’ll never even know. xo
Oh yes, one final note….apparently I have become a thrill seeker! This past Saturday I spent the day at Worlds of Fun, riding every single rollercoaster! I just did not get my thrill fill at Disney World and you know what I discovered? Rollercoasters don’t make me scream, or cry, or feel fear…they make me belly laugh. Uncontrollable, completely sincere laughter and joy…maybe because I have experienced such ugliness and fear in life, I see now that nothing can really frighten or intimidate me….so the adventures continue and I look forward to every second! The best thing that happened while at Disney was discovering that my niece Zoe loves rollercoasters just as much as I do!! I cannot wait to take her to Six Flags for her birthday this year, it’s going to be so much fun!